A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?