them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.