Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
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I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
excuse me
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*