Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
one of
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
me logging onto twitter
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.