When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Damn what did I do next
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday