Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
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Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.