Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
the world’s most popular steaming services
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
What’s so funny?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids