Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.