i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
A man of commitment.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library