Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
me hooking up with my ex
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.