The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go