U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed