barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
it must be school picture day
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average