Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Saturday
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Y’all know who you are.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.