I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game