You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
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Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
2022: I can fix it
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
wtf is a larm clock?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Succinctly put.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door