“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Damn he played himself
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
unbelievably distressed by this ad