My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I don’t know what to do
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have