Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
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[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Pizza is an emotion right?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The point of your 20s
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.