I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
yeah 😭
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs