PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Current mood: Potato
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years