H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot