“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
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When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.