Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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Terribly Tuesday.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in