The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
A double negative is a big no-no.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.