Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.