You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
You deplete me
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
shut up and take my money