[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
You Might Also Like
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife