I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.