…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
twitter is a journey
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”