I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
#Caturday
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite