*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”