I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
You Might Also Like
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
your honor my client chooses dare
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on