Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Danger is very dangerous
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably