Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.