i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased