Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Sorry. Not sorry
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day