If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait