I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?