Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
You Might Also Like
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I have a type: disappointing
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.