When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*