My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.