“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.