My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.