[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
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so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
i love modern commerce
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?