me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
honestly, i need both:
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.