Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow