Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
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What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Had to try this trend 😊
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water