My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.