I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
You Might Also Like
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*